Get a Room, OR, John's BAAAAAAAD Day
by Acetoorion
Summary: Probably overrated it, but better safe than sorry. John has a baaaaaaaaad day, and things can only get worse! An exercise in sillyness.


Discalimer: I don't own anything, I am making no money, Don't sue.   
Authors note: I don't usually do comedy, but this was the result of waaaaaaaaay too much, key skills, chem homework, bio homework, phys homework, core studies, university interviews, UCAS form, exams, music exams and other stressful stuff that I'm not even going to go into. Expect depressing stuff from me in the future...anywho, enough of my chatter, on with the show!  
  
Get a Room or John's BAAAAAAAAAD Day  
By Acetoorion  
  
  
John walked into the observation bay, only to turn straight back round muttering,   
  
"Oh man, not again! WHY can't she get a ROOM?!"  
  
It was the third time that week he had caught Zhaan "Sensuating" on the floor of the large room, the first time he had caught her without her clothes on, after that he had forbidden her to remove them when out of her quarters. Why was it, he wondered absently, that pilot had to choose a path that took them past pulsars? He idly considered a conspiracy between pilot and Zhaan but then realised that even if there was there was absolutely frell all he could do about it. Fine, he'd manage without the silence of the observation deck. There were plenty of other places he could go for a quiet reverie.   
  
John spent the next half arn absently walking Moya's corridors, he came to a particularly dimly lit area and thought wistfully of his childhood days of camping with his friends in the forest and telling ghost stories around a fire. He turned a corner, at the same time remembering the details of a particular favourite about a woman in white who spent her death waylaying innocent travellers and ending their lives with various degrees of gore. However, the small smile that had crept onto his face suddenly disappeared and was replaced by a look of almost comical terror. The woman from the ghost story had just appeared in front of him. Stepping backwards, arms flailing to try and avoid any form of projectile weapon she may or may not have hiding on her person, John tripped over his feet and landed on his back with a somewhat girlish squeak.   
  
Chiana looked down at the human lying in front of her, she swore she heard him mutter the word "Mummy", but it could have been anything. Curiously she crept towards him, he shuffled backwards, still protecting his face with his hands. Chiana knew that she hadn't spent much time getting ready that morning, but she was sure she didn't look that bad.   
  
"John?" she whispered, "John, why are you crawling along the floor with your arms over your face?"  
  
John's relief was great, but it was soon dampened by the sudden realisation of the mistake he had made. His cheeks blushed crimson.  
  
"Ah, well, ah I was, I mean I was just er, checkin' this er shiny metal thingy. Yeah, just checkin' it was working ok, don't want Moya's systems failing now do we, no sir."   
  
Chiana looked in bewilderment as John started jabbering on about one of Moya's system relays. Maybe he hit his head when he fell over. She knelt down next to him  
  
"John, er, are you feeling ok? I mean you didn't hit your head did you?"  
  
"Hit my head, no, no. Well this shiny thingy is working just fine, great, well I'll be going now…more shiny things to check."  
  
Chiana watched in amazement as John stumbled off, muttering about shiny things.  
  
***  
  
By the time John had walked as far from the fated corridor as possible he was ready for some lunch, figuring that food cubes couldn't possibly cause him any more embarrassment, he headed for the mess hall. When he got there he was pleasantly surprised to see some vegetables (At least they looked like vegetables) lying on the table. He grabbed a tray, a few food cubes and one of the "Vegetables" that looked rather like overly long courgettes. John bit into the "Courgette" and found it tasted rather nice, he took another bite, in fact it was very nice, perhaps his day had taken a turn for the better. He finished half of it and was just about to start on the food cubes when Aeryn walked through the door. She nodded in his direction and was just about to get some food cubes for herself, when she stopped dead, staring at his plate.  
  
"Please tell me you didn't just eat that." She said quietly  
  
"What this," he replied, holding up the last half of the "Courgette" happily, "Yeah, it's real nice, what's it call…Aeryn? Um, why are you looking at me like that, you only look at me like that when something bad is about to happen. No! The Courgette! It's poison isn't it? I'm gonna die!!" To John's surprise Aeryn burst out laughing. "It's not funny Aeryn! What have I just eaten? You shouldn't put dangerous stuff near the food store! It's not healthy!!"  
  
Through her sniggers Aeryn said, "Don't worry John, it's not going to kill you!"  
  
"Well why are you laughing at me then?"  
  
"You'll see!" With that she grabbed a few food cubes and hastily exited the room, laughing all the way.  
  
John pushed away his plate, feeling decidedly ill, why did it always have to happen to him?  
  
***  
  
When John found Rygel, he was lying in his quarters, having obviously stuffed himself to a standstill with far more than his fair share of food.   
  
"Um, Rygel…"  
  
"Leave me alone, you can't prove anything!"  
  
"What makes you think I have anything to prove? What I want to know is, is what the hell those courgette shaped things that you brought were?!?"  
  
"Coogett? What's a Coogett?"  
  
"Those long thin vegetables, what do they do?!"  
  
"Oh them, they're Hynerian Tassak roots, and there're mine." Rygel said quickly.  
  
"OK, fine, they're yours, I just want to know what they would do to me, if I say, ate one?"  
  
"You ate one?" Rygel started to laugh from his position on the bed, "You ate one!!!"   
  
Rygel continued to laugh. John was not amused, he considered throwing Rygel out of the airlock, but then thought better of it, knowing that with his luck today Rygel's remains would probably end up clogging up one of Moya's vents and they would all die.  
  
"FINE, I ate one, now will you please tell me what will happen!!!!?"  
  
Rygel looked pointedly at John's ears and burst out laughing again.  
  
John was about to make a cutting remark about the Hynerian's ear-brow when, to his horror, he suddenly felt his ears tingling. In fact they were burning, and when he put his hands to them they were bubbling and growing. This was disastrous! How would he ever hope to spread the galaxy with little humans when his ears look like something D'Argo had had for breakfast!?! He groaned, this couldn't get any worse!   
  
It got worse.   
  
John was halfway to his quarters when it happened, his head was pounding and he knew he must look like Dumbo's evil twin, but nothing could have prepared him for the sensation that suddenly overwhelmed him. It seemed that, although his ears were growing, something else was shrinking, his pants suddenly felt way too lose and he fell to the ground, moaning in a rather high pitched voice. Only two thoughts crossed his mind, the first was that little humans were definitely out of the question, the second was that Rygel was going to die, very slowly, very painfully and with a lot of blood.  
  
It was Chiana who found him, and this time she really was worried. After her first encounter with John she had gone back to her quarters to freshen up. But now he was lying on the floor out side his quarters, squeaking in agony whilst clutching his…she raised her eyebrows.  
  
"Uh, Aeryn," she tapped her communicator, "Uh, John's, uh, well he's sort of, um, get down here OK!" She was slightly worried when she heard Aeryn snigger. "What?!"  
  
"Chiana, I think you'd better get him down to the transport pod, I'm done torturing him!"  
  
"Aeryn, what the frell is going on!?"  
  
"John had the pleasure of eating some of Rygel's Tassak roots."  
  
It was now Chiana's turn to snigger. "I'll be there in a few microts!"  
  
She knelt down next to John.  
  
"Hey John…hey!" she slapped him in the face, her eyes widening at the sight of his ears,   
  
"Get up John, we're gonna go sort you out!"   
  
"How?!" He squeaked.  
  
"Dunno, Aeryn said to get you to the transport pod, so that's where we're going."  
  
John groaned again and pulled himself up on a lever that was sticking out of the wall, he was rewarded for his efforts by a sudden spray of Moya's amnexus fluids that coated him in white sticky goo.  
  
"I thought you were fixing those?" Chiana said with an evil glint in her eyes.  
  
John's eyes narrowed and he turned and began to hobble down to the transport bay, Chiana walking a few feet behind.  
  
***  
  
In the transport bay Aeryn and Zhaan were having a heated conversation.  
  
"Listen, you owe me one, I saved your life, so you can help me install it!" Zhaan said angrily to Aeryn.  
  
"But I can only install it in the observation deck, nowhere else has the right power fittings!"  
  
"That's fine!"  
  
"John'll go nuts!"  
  
"So, he'll owe me one once I get the reversal for the effects of the Tassak roots, and you owe me one too!"  
  
"Fine, find your salesman, I'll install it if you want, but don't blame me if John loses the last shreds of sanity he has when he finds out."  
  
"He's got other things to worry about right now."  
  
"Speaking of which, hello John! How are you feeling?"  
  
John had turned an unhealthy shade of green and he gave Aeryn a look that would have curdled milk, if milk existed in the uncharted territories.  
  
"Hey don't worry, you know what they say about a man with large ears…hmmm, OK, maybe you don't want to answer that." She looked down pointedly.  
  
"Just get me where we're going and hurry up about it!" he growled through clenched teeth.  
  
"Alright, alright, keep your ears on!"  
  
"Aeryn!"  
  
"You don't know how to take a joke. We're going to the nearest trade planet, they'll have some Neecha roots, they'll reverse the effects of the Tassak roots, soon enough…"  
  
"How soon?"  
  
"Well, it may take a couple of arns…"  
  
"A couple of arns!!!"  
  
"Well, yes, but it may take a whole weeken, it depends on how fast it gets absorbed into your system…if it gets there at all." She muttered the last bit after seeing the look on John's face.  
  
"Let's just get going." Zhaan said brightly, John shot her a suspicious look. "Are you coming Chiana?"  
  
"No way, I don't want to get stuck in a cabin with that!" she said pointing at John's sticky appearance.  
  
"Zhaan smirked, did you have an accident John?"  
  
"What?! You know, that did not come out of me! I pulled one of Moya's vents!"  
  
"Right…" Aeryn and Zhaan said together and turned into the pod.  
  
The journey to the planet was silent, apart from the odd squeak from John. The planet itself was quite nice, it was warm and sunny and there were a few purple leafed trees.  
  
"Hey John, why don't you go and sit under a tree, while we go and get the roots?"  
  
"Fine." He muttered, and stumbled over to one. The grass was soft, the sun was warm and the tree wasn't too lumpy. Maybe this won't be so bad after all, he thought as Aeryn and Zhaan walked off, I'll just sit here and they'll soon be back with the roots and everything will be just-  
  
"Ow!" his thoughts were cut off, something had grabbed hold of his oversized ears. He grabbed at it and caught a small furry creature that looked rather like a squirrel. The creature was chattering it's teeth and seem to be excited about something.  
  
"Get lost!" John threw the creature into a nearby bush.   
  
However, just as he was lying back down he saw something move. There was another of the creatures, sniffing the air, it then ran at him and began licking the amnexus fluid off his face.  
  
"What the hell?" He threw the creature into the bush with the first.  
  
This, however, was not a good idea, a series of loud, angry sounding chitters came from the bush, which was now shaking violently. Slightly alarmed, John got up, ready to run for it, not an easy thing in his condition. But he was too late, all at once about fifty of the squirrel like creatures burst out of the bush and ran at him. He didn't have time to react, in two seconds he was covered in them, all licking the amnexus fluid.  
  
Meanwhile Aeryn and Zhaan had purchased Johns medicine and were now standing outside an old warehouse. Zhaan was in deep conversation with a slimy looking alien and Aeryn was looking bored.  
  
"Hurry it up Zhaan, funny as it is to see John in the state he is, I don't really want to get him any more angry, I think one more shock will finish him off, and if the last side effect raises its ugly head…"  
  
"I know, I know Aeryn, anyway the third side effect won't appear for a couple more arns," she turned back to the salesman, "100, alright then, it's a deal."  
She shook hands with the vendor and Aeryn sighed with relief.  
  
"Why don't you go and get John, I'll deal with the packaging and transport."  
  
"Right."  
  
Aeryn walked back towards the ship, she had seen John heading in the direction of a tree and she made her way after him. She was about ten feet away from the tree when she heard a blood-curdling scream. She ran to the tree just in time to see John being pulled headfirst into the branches by a bunch of bushy tailed rodents.  
  
"Good God somebody help me!!!"  
  
Although the sight of Johns fast disappearing shoes in to the tree was amusing, Aeryn decided that it was probably best to rescue him, before he sustained any more damage. The tree was shaking and muffled groans were coming from the branches. Aeryn was about to climb up when there was a loud squeak, an even louder scream and John came tumbling out of the tree, one of the furry creatures impaled on, oh horror, a horn that was protruding from the middle of his forehead. The third symptom, how could it have come so soon? And if there was a horn there…  
  
"OW!!!!!!"  
  
John leapt up, holding his backside.  
  
"John, quick, drink this it's the antidote, I don't know how long it will take though.  
  
"Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!"  
  
"Yeah…"   
  
Aeryn glanced nervously over at the transport pod; Zhaan was supervising the loading of her purchase into the hold, she did not want John to see, she manoeuvred herself into his line of vision.  
  
"Feel any better?"  
  
"Yeah Aeryn, I feel just peachy, aside from the fact that my ears look like someone's sick Dumbo torture fantasy, my b**** are the size of peanuts, I just got molested by a bunch of mutant squirrels and I have a horn growing out of my backside!!!!!!"   
  
Unfortunately for John his luck was really running thin, in his anger he slapped his head with his hand, the ensuing yell nearly deafened Aeryn ad he pulled his now impaled hand off his new horn, along with the remains of the unlucky squirrel.  
  
Aeryn decided to be merciful and, in the only way a peacekeeper can be merciful, she delivered John a quick Panthak jab and dragged him back to the pod.  
  
"Are you done yet Zhaan?"  
  
"Yes thank you Aeryn, will you help me install it when we get back?"  
  
"If I must, do you have anything to stop his hand bleeding?" she waved the bleeding mass in front of her face.  
  
"Can't you two go anywhere without bloodshed?" she sighed and wrapped a strange smelling piece of bark around his hand. "That'll do until we get back to Moya."  
  
They took off in a cloud of dust, bowling a few of the braver squirrel like creatures out of the way, and speed off back to Moya.   
  
***  
  
John woke up in the Zhaan's medical bay. His hand was bandaged, the amnexus fluid was gone, and he was warm and dry. 'It was a dream' he thought 'just a horrible dream' but his hand still hurt, 'NO!! It was all just a dream' he squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to face the world. The humiliation of it all!   
  
"John!" Aeryn's voice cut into his thoughts, "John, wake up, I didn't hit you that hard."  
  
"Aeryn? Oh God…" Gingerly he put his hand to his forehead, to his intense relief there was no horn. "What happened to it? How long have I been asleep?"  
  
"About four arns. The herbs worked, rather quickly, you'll be pleased to know." There was still a hint of amusement in her eyes.  
  
"It's not funny! That was damn painful. I've never had such a bad day in my life!"  
  
"I'm not laughing, I swear!"  
  
"Yeah…right…" John rolled off the bed, "Well seeing as I'm so amusing to you, and that I'm in a bad mood now, I'm going away. I'm gonna find somewhere, where there's no one else and relax. So you can laugh at my back!" and he turned and stomped out of the room.  
  
Smirking, Aeryn called after him "alright then. Go and sulk!"   
  
Muttering to himself John headed off to the observation deck. That always calmed his nerves, it was safe and quiet and there were no strange foods lying around for him to try. He rounded the corner and saw the door to the observation deck, at last peace, he sighed, he was not going to come out of there for at least a day, not until Aeryn apologised. The door opened with a hiss, the star-field stretched before him in its majestic way and he was particularly pleased to note that there were at last out of the pulsars. He sighed and strode in, then stopped dead. There was something new in the room. Something long and black, in two parts, like a strange split cigar. The roof was emitting a violet light that made his eyes sting. There was a low moaning sound coming from the split-cigar-like object.   
  
John had already begun to suspect as he made his way slowly towards the object, in fact he would have placed money on it, if he had any. It was like fates idea of a final twist in the days events. He reached the vessel and looked in, he had been right, fate had the last laugh, there was Zhaan lying on her back, "Sensuating" in the violet light.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" John screamed and ran out of the room.  
  
Zhaan was vaguely aware of John as he ran out, but she paid him no heed, she was having much too much fun. The last thing she heard and saw, as she slipped back into her trace was John yelling down the corridors:  
  
"AERYN!! Why the HELL did you let Zhaan buy a SUN-BED!!!!!!"  
  
And a prowler shaped object flashing past, in the star-field above her. 


End file.
